"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

"The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle."

"We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it..."

"The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that.""

"To mistrust science and deny the validity of the scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal."

"Parliament of Whores" (1991). See more quips from this book.

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